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We are a house of culture and sophistication. We don’t DVR “Downton Abbey” for nothing, young man. Them: If you feel like you need to clear out your nose, go to the bathroom and get a tissue like a civilized part of society. When you finally do watch it, you’ll see that scene and remember this moment.
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Every time you hear an alert from your phone you spring out of your chair and sprint over like the last ten minutes of “The Gambler.” I know that’s a newer reference and you may not have seen it yet, but towards the end there’s this bizarrely long scene where Marky Mark is just running down the road at full speed. You: You can’t even go an entire meal without glancing down at your phone to see if maybe some random stranger poked, liked, or commented on your selfie. Look at that open road! You’re not going to get a view like that on any blog. Them: No kid of mine is going to be watching YouTube videos on road trips instead of looking at the marvels and sights of the world.
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You: Hmm, unless I missed a truly bizarre episode of “Dora the Explorer,” I don’t think she ever called Swiper a “shit sniffer” so I wonder where your little princess heard such terminology? If you made yourself start using a swear jar, you’d have to get a second job just to cover your profanity-riddled swearfest that takes place every time your boss asks you to come in on Saturday for no real reason. I’m not raising an even smaller Joe Pesci to grow up and be one of the Goodfellas. We do not use that kind of PG-13 language in this house young man. Them: There’s no quicker way to get in trouble as a kid than to say a curse word. Technically NFL Redzone only counts as one show, even though it lasts 7 hours, right? And as far as not watching too much TV, let’s remember Saturdays and Sundays during football season when we basically start to become one with the recliner. You: The closest thing you watch to educational television is “Pawn Stars,” when Rick gives a sketchy, 30 second history lesson on a customer’s samurai sword.
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The only way you can get more TV time is if you watch something that teaches you math, spelling, or a foreign language that you’ll never use. You get one hour of television and then you have to go play outside or do something educational. Them: Kids need to stay active and not spend all their time sitting in front of the TV. It would be one thing if you were bettering yourself as a person, but odds are you’re just mindlessly scrolling through your Facebook feed until your contacts start to feel like glue in your eyes. Not only do you stay up way too late, you stay up way too late while doing absolutely nothing productive. You: You know you never give yourself a bedtime. The last thing you need is your child going to preschool and quoting “Sons of Anarchy.” Plus, you always need those two hours after they go down to watch something on your DVR that has a rating above TV-14. Them: Of course you’re going to tell your kid to get plenty of sleep because most of their developing is done while they’re out.
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I’ve driven back to Burger King because they forgot to put ketchup on a Whopper, so maybe cut your kid a little slack when he doesn’t want to eat that piece of salmon that smells like Shrek’s toilet. You: When was the last time you sat down at Arby’s and opened what was supposed to be a roast beef that turned out to be a ham sandwich? Odds are you didn’t recall that lesson about eating whatever is in front of you no matter if you like it or not. If you took the time to make it or ordered it for them, they’re going to eat it.
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Them: Even if you don’t try to make your kids eat everything on their plates, one of the biggest standoffs you have as a parent is trying to talk them into eating something they say they don’t like. Here are 12 things we tell kids to do that we never actually do ourselves. I’m definitely not saying we shouldn’t teach our children these important lessons, but most of the time we definitely aren’t leading by example. But let’s face it, so many of the things we give our kids shit for doing, we do ourselves on almost a daily basis. We raise our kids the best way we know how and try to make them the best person they could possibly be.